Monday, February 20, 2012
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Awesome story: Unbelievable Starbucks chick
Franko here, with a fucking hell of a story to tell you all. So I've been going to Starbucks a bit more lately. I never liked coffee, and still don't, but I'm starting to like their hot chocolate now that the weather is getting a bit chilly. Speaking of which, that was a drastic fucking change. FUCK St. Louis weather. Being a meteorologist in this area is the most pointless job a person could hold. "We have a high tonight of 89 degrees, and going into the night we should be seeing plenty of snowfall which will continue all night. Tomorrow morning, everyone pack their radiation suits because the clouds are going to emit cosmic gamma rays in the shape of DEVILCORNS. As for the five-day forecast, expect a lot of burning iceballs falling upwards in reverse. ::fart:: I need a fucking drink."
Anyway, I was in Starbucks on Sunday for lunch before doing some practicing. There was a girl working the cash register that I had seen there a few times before. I guess she recognized me too, and we started making small talk while my drink was being brewed. We just started talking about school stuff...apparently she's in my political science class. I had never noticed...though my friend Rob can attest that I only partially pay attention in that class anyway. So I got my drink and we kept talking (it was a slow day). At this point she says that she's getting off work and has some time to burn. I think to my self "Aw, what's a day of practicing? It's only my major," and offer to hang out with her for a bit. So she gets off and we head downstairs to the cafeteria so I can grab something to eat (she had a late breakfast apparently)
We end up talking for like two hours and totally hit it off. Her name's Alex, and she's a comp sci major. I tell her a bit about myself, she tells me a bit about herself. It was a great lunch. I tell her that I have to go practice, and she just decides to follow me at least to my locker until I got my horn. So we walk over to the music building and go downstairs. For those who don't know, my locker is basically right next to the bathrooms. She sees that and pulls me in to the girls room. At this point I was basically "WTF?!" but I went with it....I was curious on seeing where this went. My only thought was "Holy shit, am I gonna get laid?" Immediately after that thought crossed my mind, another one quickly flashed and was shot down: "Holy shit, am I going to be MURDERED?!" I mean, I know I had just me her, but she seemed pretty sane. In retrospect, the idea of randomly having sex with me seems about as sane as killing me, so perhaps I should have been worried.
So she grabs my arm and pulls me over to a stall. Luckily the place was empty....not many people tend to be there on the weekends. So we go in there and she starts kissing me like mad. She was pretty fuckin' cute, so I did the only thing I could think of, further conditioned by 14 months with Victoria: kiss back. Before I know it, she reaches down and unzips my pants. I'll preface this now by saying that there was no condom available, so nothing like that happened. I'm not retarded. But she still has my pants unzipped, and I'll just say that I was much more comfortable keeping them loose. So, there I was, pants unzipped, very excited, and I had no intention of killing her momentum, so I said the only thing I could think of at the time. "Hungry?" I wasn't thinking....shut up!
She's on her knees at this point, and she looks up at me with the most seductive, sexually enraged eyes I've ever seen. Her mouth opens and says, "No thanks, I had Reese’s for breakfast.” I was fuckin' floored. What in the FLYING FUCKING SHITTING FIREBALLS WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT?! Reese's for breakfast?!! So I was like “No way....you had candy for breakfast?!” She replies, “Not candy! Reese’s puffs cereal!” So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and 'WHAM!!' My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter and chocolate-y taste attacking my taste buds! It was intense! “And it’s part of this complete breakfast!”
Anyway, I was in Starbucks on Sunday for lunch before doing some practicing. There was a girl working the cash register that I had seen there a few times before. I guess she recognized me too, and we started making small talk while my drink was being brewed. We just started talking about school stuff...apparently she's in my political science class. I had never noticed...though my friend Rob can attest that I only partially pay attention in that class anyway. So I got my drink and we kept talking (it was a slow day). At this point she says that she's getting off work and has some time to burn. I think to my self "Aw, what's a day of practicing? It's only my major," and offer to hang out with her for a bit. So she gets off and we head downstairs to the cafeteria so I can grab something to eat (she had a late breakfast apparently)
We end up talking for like two hours and totally hit it off. Her name's Alex, and she's a comp sci major. I tell her a bit about myself, she tells me a bit about herself. It was a great lunch. I tell her that I have to go practice, and she just decides to follow me at least to my locker until I got my horn. So we walk over to the music building and go downstairs. For those who don't know, my locker is basically right next to the bathrooms. She sees that and pulls me in to the girls room. At this point I was basically "WTF?!" but I went with it....I was curious on seeing where this went. My only thought was "Holy shit, am I gonna get laid?" Immediately after that thought crossed my mind, another one quickly flashed and was shot down: "Holy shit, am I going to be MURDERED?!" I mean, I know I had just me her, but she seemed pretty sane. In retrospect, the idea of randomly having sex with me seems about as sane as killing me, so perhaps I should have been worried.
So she grabs my arm and pulls me over to a stall. Luckily the place was empty....not many people tend to be there on the weekends. So we go in there and she starts kissing me like mad. She was pretty fuckin' cute, so I did the only thing I could think of, further conditioned by 14 months with Victoria: kiss back. Before I know it, she reaches down and unzips my pants. I'll preface this now by saying that there was no condom available, so nothing like that happened. I'm not retarded. But she still has my pants unzipped, and I'll just say that I was much more comfortable keeping them loose. So, there I was, pants unzipped, very excited, and I had no intention of killing her momentum, so I said the only thing I could think of at the time. "Hungry?" I wasn't thinking....shut up!
She's on her knees at this point, and she looks up at me with the most seductive, sexually enraged eyes I've ever seen. Her mouth opens and says, "No thanks, I had Reese’s for breakfast.” I was fuckin' floored. What in the FLYING FUCKING SHITTING FIREBALLS WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT?! Reese's for breakfast?!! So I was like “No way....you had candy for breakfast?!” She replies, “Not candy! Reese’s puffs cereal!” So she sliiiiides me a bowl. I crunch into it and 'WHAM!!' My mouth goes crazy! That smooth combo of peanut butter and chocolate-y taste attacking my taste buds! It was intense! “And it’s part of this complete breakfast!”
Friday, October 17, 2008
Awesome Countdown: Top 20 Disney Songs - Part 2
Franko here again. Brian's sick so I guess I'm getting you all pumped up for the rest of the list. Apparently we pissed off quite a few people last time; apparently everyone was expecting the full list. A few people were even expecting it even AFTER reading the title. DID THE PHRASE "Part 1" NOT GIVE IT A WAY?!! Heretics. This time we present the rest of the list, starting with a few more honorable mentions (because we say so). The second half of the list presents a bit less of the random fun songs and a bit more of the personal songs...songs that hit a bit closer to the heart. I just lost the game. And remember, the only basis for this list is our opinion, which is better than yours. Now to the list!
~Honorable Mentions~
"Heigh-Ho" ~ Snow White and the 7 Dwarves
YouTube
-Comments-
Franko: Heigh ho....heigh ho....it's off to work we go...::whistle::....Heigh ho...heigh ho heigh ho heigh ho....yeaaaaahhhhhhh
Brian: We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig. :D pretty good song.
"Two Worlds" ~ Tarzan
YouTube
-Comments-
Franko: Pepper
Brian: Pepper^3. Another good Tarzan song. Worthy of honorable mentionssssssssss.
"Why Should I Worry?" ~ Oliver and Company
YouTube
-Comments-
Brian: This is the closest Disney ever gets to rock. Therefore, it's amazing. I love this song mucho a lot. It's just so much fun, though not an amazing song, therefore, honorable mentions!
Franko: It's pretty catchy, it's got a nice feel to it, and it's another Disney song about not worrying. I also really like Billy Joel. It wasn't enough of a classic to include on the list, but we couldn't NOT give it props somehow.
~ The Rankings ~
10. "Can You feel the Love Tonight" ~ The Lion King
-Comments-
Franko: One of the quintessential Disney love ballads. It's a classic in every sense of the word. It's remarkably touching (both the song and the sequence in the movie); it's a legitimately good song outside of the movie (I'm not ashamed to have it on my iPod anyway); it also has HEAVY sexual undertones, another important value to be instilling into our youth. Afterall, I grew up watching the movie and turned out FINE!
Brian: As a kid, I always enjoyed the parts where Timon and Pumba were singing far more than the love song (cause love was icky) but now that I'm smart (:P)...I still like the Timon and Pumba parts better. Not to take away from the lovernessissity...ies of the love song, cause that in itself is great. I just really like hearing Timon sing "I can see what's happening, and they don't have a clue" hmmmmmmmmm very insightful Timon. Therefore Timon=Yoda. And Yoda's afreakingmazing (Up the shut fuck)....I don't see the heavy sexual undertones however...which is weird...cause normally I'm the one that picks out every sex reference and milks it till it bleeds...but whatever.
9. "Under the Sea" ~ The Little Mermaid
-Comments-
Brian: Dododododo, do do do do. Really? Who doesn't love this song? I hate the movie and yet this is still a song I find myself humming when Disney is on my mind. This song is all about the music I think, one of the best musical pieces Disney has put together. And that's really all I have to say....I'm so fucking sick btw. y'all should just be happy I'm working on this at all...bitches
Franko: Do I really need to comment on this? A fucking fun as hell song that's written amazingly. Pepper! (Franko re-edit: I seriously can't come up with anything to say about the song. I do believe the pick is self explanatory, but I suppose anybody who wants an elaborated opinion can read my post about it from a few months back on MySpace.)
8. "Reflection" ~ Mulan
-Comments-
Brian: This is an absolutely beautiful song. The lyrics are so...real. Everybody gets down on themselves...and Mulan sings a ridiculously gorgeous song when she does. Everything about this song is great. A girl singing about how she doesn't know who she is, and how she can't be who she wants to be because Feudal China(I just had to change that from Japan....idk why I thought this movie was in Japan...but apparently I did...I'm so fucking sick) was a fucked up time where women were the equivalent of rice and their thoughts an annoying mosquito. Plain and simple...I love this song, it's so simple...marvelous.
Franko: I wish this could have been higher, but the other songs on the list are just so much awesomerer. I don't feel bad or embarrassed to say that I adore this song. In fact, personally, it probably the most relatable song from Disney ever. I also can't criticize it for teaching dumb shit, because its message is something very applicable, realistic, and, above-all, honest. Strive to be yourself. It'll be a hard path, but ultimately more fulfilling. Right on. On top of that, it's a GORGEOUS song, written and sang very well. All-around an amazing song.
7. "When You Wish Upon a Star" ~ Pinocchio
SING-A-LONG TIME!!!!!
...you better sing bitch...or we'll find you...
....No seriously, between Brian and Franko, we can find everybody who reads this blog. Fuckin' do it.
-Comments-
Franko: This is a flat-out classic. No ifs, ands, or buts. It went on to become the unofficial official Disney theme-song for Christ's sake. It's a timeless song that everybody can relate to. Of course, being as it is a landmark song for Disney, it would make sense to teach values to our children that are not only unrealistic, but downright insulting. It's not Disney without some good pandering bullshit! Not only does it teach kids not to worry (a common trend in recent movies - for further proof, see part 1 of this list), but it also says that not worrying will also give you WHATEVER YOU WANT! "Just wish, and you will get it." BULLSHIT!
Brian: This is perhaps the most classic song in Disney history. In fact...it is. Therefore, it lands at 7. What I love about this song is that it's sung by a cricket/conscious...and the message "If you wish on a star...you'll get what you wished for"...that's what the kid's/wooden puppet's CONSCIOUS told him! Really?! Way to place fantastical impossibilities into the minds of children everywhere! Score 1 for Disney propaganda.
Franko: If you're going to have your own conscious bullshit you, you might as well just go insane and start hallucinating that you're getting what you want. Path of least resistance people....
6. "Belle" ~ Beauty and the Beast
-Comments-
Franko: Finally Beauty and the Beast makes an appearance on our list. It's not that we don't appreciate it; we just love it so much that all of its songs are bunched up in the top spots. BatB is one of my favorite Disney movies and it's a pretty special one in that it's the last animated musical (until, of all thing, the South Park movie) that's an all-out musical extravaganza. Huge elaborate song and dance numbers with dozens of people...I loves me a good traditional musical. This illustrates that perfectly. The song sounds really, really, really, really, really good. That's a credit to Alan Menken's writing. Have you ever listened to the lyrics though? The entire song is about how weird Belle is. "She's beautiful and idealistic, and likes to read." That's IT! THAT'S IT! Fuckin' five minutes for that?! But it's so totally awesome.
Brian: Here you go, song one from Beauty and the Beast...and it's number 6. Beauty and the Beast has got to be hands down the best musical Disney song in creation. The song itself is crazy good. This is the best introduction to any character...ever. My God, this song is ridiculously fantastic. This has been one of my favorite Disney songs ever since I saw it preformed on stage at the Mune...Munii...Mune'....Munieaedfei...whatever. (Franko edit: IT'S MUNY, HERETIC!) The point is I love this song. The whole thing is the townspeople singing about how she's peculiar....I wish a town would sing about me when I walked through town. That'd be intense. Meanwhile, Belle is singing about how she wants out of this small town, how she wants so much more, how she wants adventure and excitement, and love. Beautiful. I particularly love Gaston's small part in this song (another great character introduction). He's so pleasantly stuck up and full of himself, it's great. To top it off the song culminates, it just keeps building, growing. I love it.
5. "Prince Ali" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Franko: You fuckin' know its coming........"HE'S GOT THE MONKEYS! HE'S GOT THE MONKEYS!" Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. God damn I love this song. Much like the last song, it's a huge elaborate song-and-dance number with no point but to show off how pimp this new prince is. He fuckin' parades into town on an elephant, bringing boats and hoes, and gives the proverbial pimp slap to everyone watching. Then he has his trained elephant KICK DOWN THE PALACE DOOR to demand a marriage to the Sultan's daughter. Fuckin' right! All things aside though, in terms of sheer mindless Disney awesomeness, you don't get much better than this. I could be bleeding from every orifice in my body and if I hear this on my way to the emergency room, I'll stop and sing along. And probably rewind it to rewatch it. Twice. And slowly die from blood loss. But I'll be entertained dammit!
Brian: Robin Williams is my hero....I believe I said that last time as well...hmmmm. I LOVE ALADDIN (third time I've said that :D) So...an entrance on a flying carpet would've been amazing right? I believe it would've been enough...I mean...there's like...1 flying carpet right? Well...this song takes that 1 flying carpet and then multiplies it by infinity...squared. Biggest intro of anybody anywhere....ever. I mean...how would that look on a script in a play *enter stage right-big ass elephant, singing genie, hundreds of swordsmen, hundreds of flagmen, hot ass dancer ladies, a fucking float full of peacocks!, hundreds of slaves carrying gold, tumblers, bakers, animals out the wazoo, 8 people in funny hats, lots of camels, giant fucking gorilla balloon, dancing monkeys, bakers, birds that chirp in unison, FLOATING PEOPLE!!!!!, and a whole lot of other random shit.* FUCK. And did anybody else ever notice how big that damn elephant is?! Holy crap...he's as big as the houses! Anyway...I love Aladdin, and this song. :) Especially this song....also Aladdin...especially Aladdin. "HE'S GOT THE MONKEYS!!!!!"
Franko: "He's got the monkeys!"
Brian: "He's got the monkeys???"
Franko: How many times have we said that in this post dipshit? God damnit I hate you so much. In fact, he doesn't have the monkeys now; they have been chased off by your inane decrepit rotting piece of turd you call a brain. You spew off random nonsense like a volcano spews lava. It's infrequent and unpredictable, and when it happens, it's beautiful, destructive, powerful, and something you DON'T want to miss. So, for the last time, he's got the monkeys.
4. "Be Our Guest" ~ Beauty and the Beast
-Comments-
Franko: This song is absurd. You know what it's about? NOT A GOD DAMN THING! NOTHING! Listen to it. At most it serves as an introduction to the characters of the castle. That in itself is fucking win. That must mean that after all of the castle workers were transformed into fucking candlesticks, teapots, shoehorns, footballs, tieracks, lettuce crispers, digital picture frames, or whatever the fuck is in the castle, they have spent every moment since writing and choreographing a song just in case some person happens upon the castle and is forced to stay in exchange for her dad's life. How bored do you have to be? Still, I can't deny the song has a luster, setting it above the rest of Disney. It is a flat-out Disney staple, one of the most well-known and most-remembered songs Disney has produced. It's entertaining. It has pretty colors. What more could you want?
Brian: And another Beauty and the Beast song. I don't know what I love the most...the fact that the entire song is nothing but silly french stereotypes repeated over and over...or that the song itself is beyond ridonkulous. All the song is is a sad tale about bewitched people's last few years and how they've been rotting away and then HOLY CRAP! SOMEONE REMEMBERED THEY WERE EXISTING!!!!...by randomly having her father stumble upon the castle near death...that detail isn't important to them though :P Another good thing to notice about this song is that Belle...hardly eats anything...almost nothing actually besides a couple tastes of some nasty looking shit. Oh well...love the song all the same, and the movie.
3. "Beauty and the Beast" ~ Beauty and the Beast
-Comments-
Brian: And here's the next Beauty and the Beast song. An amazing song. Really beautiful, emotional, heartwarming even. Everything about this song screams gold. GOLD dammit. I absolutely adore it...even if it was sung by a teapot.
Franko: I don't really like Mrs. Potts's singing (throughout the movie, not just this song) but this song is just so magical. This song is the reason the Beauty and the Beast has become perhaps the greatest Disney movie of all time, by perfectly illustrating the fairy-tale qualities of the love that develops between Belle and the Beast, while also reconciling that with how very real that development is. Oh my god I love this movie. And every song in it. It's only featured three times on our list, but it has half of the top 6 spots (and it came damn close to taking No. 5 out form Aladdin. 60% of the top 5? IT'S THAT GOOD DAMMIT!!)
Brian: Also, nearly every Beauty and the Beast song made our first cut. And the ones that didn't make the list...ALMOST made the list. NOTHING from Beauty and the Beast was excluded cause it sucked (some of the other songs in Disney movies are complete ass if you haven't noticed). It's ridiculously great.
2. "Circle of Life" ~ The Lion King
-Comments-
Brian: I don't think any song starts out as strong as this one. Does anybody have any idea what that dude actually screams?! "NABABABISCO! HAMANEEEEESKEENABOB! HENYA, HENYA AH YAYY! AHM NE O NEH!"...that's what I think. Anyway I don't think Disney has made a more powerful song. This is an amazingly strong song. "There's more to see in your life than you can possible see, more to do than you can ever do, but just like every other creature, we are all driven by the same forces and you'll live your life the best way you can." Very intense message, deep, but intense. And seriously? who doesn't absolutely love this song? It's awesome times walnut. c'mon. Huge props to Circle of Life, Go 2!
Franko: One of the most epic songs I've ever heard. It's so good. Random trivia: when they were building publicity for The Lion King, the teaser trailer they released for the movie was the song/sequence shown to introduce the movie. No combination of footage or dialogue from the movie. Just this song, in all of it's amazing glory. It's all around great animation, with no real relevance to the movie except being completely awesome! And as Brian said, the message is great. "Welcome to life. There's a ton of shit here. Like a lot. So much that you will spend your entire life learning about it...and then die. But that's ok, because if your life is fulfilling, you will find your place!"
Franko presents lyrics to the Circle of Life (as heard in his own head): NAAAAAAAAAAAZI BEND YAAAAAAAAA BY THE BEE YOU BABA! ...when yaaaaa....NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZI BEND YAAAAAAAAAAA WHY' BY A GAY'S EMO BOY ::chants:: Hey pinata penguin on the bottom. Hey pinata penguin on the bottom. Hey pinata penguin on the bottom. Hey pinata penguin on the bottom ::cue real lyrics::.
I was going to do the whole song but that's actually really hard with a sleeping roommate in the room and the fact that I'm bored and want to read Twilight. Regardless, hopefully you'll never hear the song the same way again :)
Brian: ....I think my lyrics are closer....but I took the liberty of looking up the actual lyrics...so here.
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama
Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place]
...kinda not what I was expecting, but whatever.
And here it be. Briatt rated number one Animated Disney song...ever. GO
1. "A Whole New World" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Brian: I LOVE ALADDIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (fourth and final time :D) While this song isn't my favorite song in Aladdin...it's definitely the best. Best Disney song ever actually (as rated...right here). This song is...magical. Just, completely blows things out of the water (except circle which was a VERY close 2nd). This song has nearly no flaws, it's just great...over...and...over....forever. done.
Franko: I love Aladdin. So much. Circle of Life is what set off this whole list, and we were pretty in love with it. When we were ranking our final list, this and Circle of Life were actually tied. I thought it was going to be a tough, long and drawn out decision-making process. But when it came to it, there was no contest. A Whole New World is not as grand in scope as Circle of Life, but for what it sets out to achieve, it's completely spot-on perfection. All humor aside here, I'm turning 20 in a month and a half and a student in college. I've been in love and known it's incredible power, and I've dealt with much of the negativity of life and its constant barrage to succumb to cynicism. In spite of such a harsh world, this song, a song about two people who JUST met each other flying on a CARPET from Egypt to CHINA in a little under two minutes, is the most realistic song in Disney's library. The entire song is a monument to the power of love. Opening your eyes to the world in a way that you've never been able to open them before. And each new moment brings some new remarkable beauty into your life that permanently changes you. It's so incredible. Back to the lighter side of awesome, my favorite thing about this song is that EVERY PERSON knows the lyrics. Start singing the song ANYWHERE and you will start a sing-a-long. Several years of band busses will provide sufficient evidence for that (P.S. On that note, GO SING-A-LONG TO PINOCCHIO DAMMIT I KNOW YOU SKIPPED IT!).
That's it. This is the definitive list of awesome Disney songs. Disregard any other list; this is the ultimate pinnacle of human achievement in disney/awesome collaboration. A review of mentioned movies:
Aladdin, The Lion King - 4 times
Beauty and the Beast - 3 times
Mulan, The Little Mermaid, The Jungle Book - 2 times each
Tarzan - 1 time (1 HM)
Pinocchio - 1 time
Pocahontas - 1 time
Snow White and the Seven Hobbits - (2 HM)
Cinderella, Oliver and Company, Toy Story - (1 HM)
Most of the movies tend to fall on the more recent side of Disney. Perhaps we're just biased towards our own generation, or maybe they are actually legitimately better. Either way, we're right and you're wrong, so adjust your opinions and perceptions accordingly.
For our next post, we're looking at several possibilities. The one that's captured our attention most has been "Most Awesome Moments in Star Wars". You'll find out soon.
~Honorable Mentions~
"Heigh-Ho" ~ Snow White and the 7 Dwarves
YouTube
-Comments-
Franko: Heigh ho....heigh ho....it's off to work we go...::whistle::....Heigh ho...heigh ho heigh ho heigh ho....yeaaaaahhhhhhh
Brian: We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig. :D pretty good song.
"Two Worlds" ~ Tarzan
YouTube
-Comments-
Franko: Pepper
Brian: Pepper^3. Another good Tarzan song. Worthy of honorable mentionssssssssss.
"Why Should I Worry?" ~ Oliver and Company
YouTube
-Comments-
Brian: This is the closest Disney ever gets to rock. Therefore, it's amazing. I love this song mucho a lot. It's just so much fun, though not an amazing song, therefore, honorable mentions!
Franko: It's pretty catchy, it's got a nice feel to it, and it's another Disney song about not worrying. I also really like Billy Joel. It wasn't enough of a classic to include on the list, but we couldn't NOT give it props somehow.
~ The Rankings ~
10. "Can You feel the Love Tonight" ~ The Lion King
-Comments-
Franko: One of the quintessential Disney love ballads. It's a classic in every sense of the word. It's remarkably touching (both the song and the sequence in the movie); it's a legitimately good song outside of the movie (I'm not ashamed to have it on my iPod anyway); it also has HEAVY sexual undertones, another important value to be instilling into our youth. Afterall, I grew up watching the movie and turned out FINE!
Brian: As a kid, I always enjoyed the parts where Timon and Pumba were singing far more than the love song (cause love was icky) but now that I'm smart (:P)...I still like the Timon and Pumba parts better. Not to take away from the lovernessissity...ies of the love song, cause that in itself is great. I just really like hearing Timon sing "I can see what's happening, and they don't have a clue" hmmmmmmmmm very insightful Timon. Therefore Timon=Yoda. And Yoda's afreakingmazing (Up the shut fuck)....I don't see the heavy sexual undertones however...which is weird...cause normally I'm the one that picks out every sex reference and milks it till it bleeds...but whatever.
9. "Under the Sea" ~ The Little Mermaid
-Comments-
Brian: Dododododo, do do do do. Really? Who doesn't love this song? I hate the movie and yet this is still a song I find myself humming when Disney is on my mind. This song is all about the music I think, one of the best musical pieces Disney has put together. And that's really all I have to say....I'm so fucking sick btw. y'all should just be happy I'm working on this at all...bitches
Franko: Do I really need to comment on this? A fucking fun as hell song that's written amazingly. Pepper! (Franko re-edit: I seriously can't come up with anything to say about the song. I do believe the pick is self explanatory, but I suppose anybody who wants an elaborated opinion can read my post about it from a few months back on MySpace.)
8. "Reflection" ~ Mulan
-Comments-
Brian: This is an absolutely beautiful song. The lyrics are so...real. Everybody gets down on themselves...and Mulan sings a ridiculously gorgeous song when she does. Everything about this song is great. A girl singing about how she doesn't know who she is, and how she can't be who she wants to be because Feudal China(I just had to change that from Japan....idk why I thought this movie was in Japan...but apparently I did...I'm so fucking sick) was a fucked up time where women were the equivalent of rice and their thoughts an annoying mosquito. Plain and simple...I love this song, it's so simple...marvelous.
Franko: I wish this could have been higher, but the other songs on the list are just so much awesomerer. I don't feel bad or embarrassed to say that I adore this song. In fact, personally, it probably the most relatable song from Disney ever. I also can't criticize it for teaching dumb shit, because its message is something very applicable, realistic, and, above-all, honest. Strive to be yourself. It'll be a hard path, but ultimately more fulfilling. Right on. On top of that, it's a GORGEOUS song, written and sang very well. All-around an amazing song.
7. "When You Wish Upon a Star" ~ Pinocchio
SING-A-LONG TIME!!!!!
...you better sing bitch...or we'll find you...
....No seriously, between Brian and Franko, we can find everybody who reads this blog. Fuckin' do it.
-Comments-
Franko: This is a flat-out classic. No ifs, ands, or buts. It went on to become the unofficial official Disney theme-song for Christ's sake. It's a timeless song that everybody can relate to. Of course, being as it is a landmark song for Disney, it would make sense to teach values to our children that are not only unrealistic, but downright insulting. It's not Disney without some good pandering bullshit! Not only does it teach kids not to worry (a common trend in recent movies - for further proof, see part 1 of this list), but it also says that not worrying will also give you WHATEVER YOU WANT! "Just wish, and you will get it." BULLSHIT!
Brian: This is perhaps the most classic song in Disney history. In fact...it is. Therefore, it lands at 7. What I love about this song is that it's sung by a cricket/conscious...and the message "If you wish on a star...you'll get what you wished for"...that's what the kid's/wooden puppet's CONSCIOUS told him! Really?! Way to place fantastical impossibilities into the minds of children everywhere! Score 1 for Disney propaganda.
Franko: If you're going to have your own conscious bullshit you, you might as well just go insane and start hallucinating that you're getting what you want. Path of least resistance people....
6. "Belle" ~ Beauty and the Beast
-Comments-
Franko: Finally Beauty and the Beast makes an appearance on our list. It's not that we don't appreciate it; we just love it so much that all of its songs are bunched up in the top spots. BatB is one of my favorite Disney movies and it's a pretty special one in that it's the last animated musical (until, of all thing, the South Park movie) that's an all-out musical extravaganza. Huge elaborate song and dance numbers with dozens of people...I loves me a good traditional musical. This illustrates that perfectly. The song sounds really, really, really, really, really good. That's a credit to Alan Menken's writing. Have you ever listened to the lyrics though? The entire song is about how weird Belle is. "She's beautiful and idealistic, and likes to read." That's IT! THAT'S IT! Fuckin' five minutes for that?! But it's so totally awesome.
Brian: Here you go, song one from Beauty and the Beast...and it's number 6. Beauty and the Beast has got to be hands down the best musical Disney song in creation. The song itself is crazy good. This is the best introduction to any character...ever. My God, this song is ridiculously fantastic. This has been one of my favorite Disney songs ever since I saw it preformed on stage at the Mune...Munii...Mune'....Munieaedfei...whatever. (Franko edit: IT'S MUNY, HERETIC!) The point is I love this song. The whole thing is the townspeople singing about how she's peculiar....I wish a town would sing about me when I walked through town. That'd be intense. Meanwhile, Belle is singing about how she wants out of this small town, how she wants so much more, how she wants adventure and excitement, and love. Beautiful. I particularly love Gaston's small part in this song (another great character introduction). He's so pleasantly stuck up and full of himself, it's great. To top it off the song culminates, it just keeps building, growing. I love it.
5. "Prince Ali" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Franko: You fuckin' know its coming........"HE'S GOT THE MONKEYS! HE'S GOT THE MONKEYS!" Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. God damn I love this song. Much like the last song, it's a huge elaborate song-and-dance number with no point but to show off how pimp this new prince is. He fuckin' parades into town on an elephant, bringing boats and hoes, and gives the proverbial pimp slap to everyone watching. Then he has his trained elephant KICK DOWN THE PALACE DOOR to demand a marriage to the Sultan's daughter. Fuckin' right! All things aside though, in terms of sheer mindless Disney awesomeness, you don't get much better than this. I could be bleeding from every orifice in my body and if I hear this on my way to the emergency room, I'll stop and sing along. And probably rewind it to rewatch it. Twice. And slowly die from blood loss. But I'll be entertained dammit!
Brian: Robin Williams is my hero....I believe I said that last time as well...hmmmm. I LOVE ALADDIN (third time I've said that :D) So...an entrance on a flying carpet would've been amazing right? I believe it would've been enough...I mean...there's like...1 flying carpet right? Well...this song takes that 1 flying carpet and then multiplies it by infinity...squared. Biggest intro of anybody anywhere....ever. I mean...how would that look on a script in a play *enter stage right-big ass elephant, singing genie, hundreds of swordsmen, hundreds of flagmen, hot ass dancer ladies, a fucking float full of peacocks!, hundreds of slaves carrying gold, tumblers, bakers, animals out the wazoo, 8 people in funny hats, lots of camels, giant fucking gorilla balloon, dancing monkeys, bakers, birds that chirp in unison, FLOATING PEOPLE!!!!!, and a whole lot of other random shit.* FUCK. And did anybody else ever notice how big that damn elephant is?! Holy crap...he's as big as the houses! Anyway...I love Aladdin, and this song. :) Especially this song....also Aladdin...especially Aladdin. "HE'S GOT THE MONKEYS!!!!!"
Franko: "He's got the monkeys!"
Brian: "He's got the monkeys???"
Franko: How many times have we said that in this post dipshit? God damnit I hate you so much. In fact, he doesn't have the monkeys now; they have been chased off by your inane decrepit rotting piece of turd you call a brain. You spew off random nonsense like a volcano spews lava. It's infrequent and unpredictable, and when it happens, it's beautiful, destructive, powerful, and something you DON'T want to miss. So, for the last time, he's got the monkeys.
4. "Be Our Guest" ~ Beauty and the Beast
-Comments-
Franko: This song is absurd. You know what it's about? NOT A GOD DAMN THING! NOTHING! Listen to it. At most it serves as an introduction to the characters of the castle. That in itself is fucking win. That must mean that after all of the castle workers were transformed into fucking candlesticks, teapots, shoehorns, footballs, tieracks, lettuce crispers, digital picture frames, or whatever the fuck is in the castle, they have spent every moment since writing and choreographing a song just in case some person happens upon the castle and is forced to stay in exchange for her dad's life. How bored do you have to be? Still, I can't deny the song has a luster, setting it above the rest of Disney. It is a flat-out Disney staple, one of the most well-known and most-remembered songs Disney has produced. It's entertaining. It has pretty colors. What more could you want?
Brian: And another Beauty and the Beast song. I don't know what I love the most...the fact that the entire song is nothing but silly french stereotypes repeated over and over...or that the song itself is beyond ridonkulous. All the song is is a sad tale about bewitched people's last few years and how they've been rotting away and then HOLY CRAP! SOMEONE REMEMBERED THEY WERE EXISTING!!!!...by randomly having her father stumble upon the castle near death...that detail isn't important to them though :P Another good thing to notice about this song is that Belle...hardly eats anything...almost nothing actually besides a couple tastes of some nasty looking shit. Oh well...love the song all the same, and the movie.
3. "Beauty and the Beast" ~ Beauty and the Beast
-Comments-
Brian: And here's the next Beauty and the Beast song. An amazing song. Really beautiful, emotional, heartwarming even. Everything about this song screams gold. GOLD dammit. I absolutely adore it...even if it was sung by a teapot.
Franko: I don't really like Mrs. Potts's singing (throughout the movie, not just this song) but this song is just so magical. This song is the reason the Beauty and the Beast has become perhaps the greatest Disney movie of all time, by perfectly illustrating the fairy-tale qualities of the love that develops between Belle and the Beast, while also reconciling that with how very real that development is. Oh my god I love this movie. And every song in it. It's only featured three times on our list, but it has half of the top 6 spots (and it came damn close to taking No. 5 out form Aladdin. 60% of the top 5? IT'S THAT GOOD DAMMIT!!)
Brian: Also, nearly every Beauty and the Beast song made our first cut. And the ones that didn't make the list...ALMOST made the list. NOTHING from Beauty and the Beast was excluded cause it sucked (some of the other songs in Disney movies are complete ass if you haven't noticed). It's ridiculously great.
2. "Circle of Life" ~ The Lion King
-Comments-
Brian: I don't think any song starts out as strong as this one. Does anybody have any idea what that dude actually screams?! "NABABABISCO! HAMANEEEEESKEENABOB! HENYA, HENYA AH YAYY! AHM NE O NEH!"...that's what I think. Anyway I don't think Disney has made a more powerful song. This is an amazingly strong song. "There's more to see in your life than you can possible see, more to do than you can ever do, but just like every other creature, we are all driven by the same forces and you'll live your life the best way you can." Very intense message, deep, but intense. And seriously? who doesn't absolutely love this song? It's awesome times walnut. c'mon. Huge props to Circle of Life, Go 2!
Franko: One of the most epic songs I've ever heard. It's so good. Random trivia: when they were building publicity for The Lion King, the teaser trailer they released for the movie was the song/sequence shown to introduce the movie. No combination of footage or dialogue from the movie. Just this song, in all of it's amazing glory. It's all around great animation, with no real relevance to the movie except being completely awesome! And as Brian said, the message is great. "Welcome to life. There's a ton of shit here. Like a lot. So much that you will spend your entire life learning about it...and then die. But that's ok, because if your life is fulfilling, you will find your place!"
Franko presents lyrics to the Circle of Life (as heard in his own head): NAAAAAAAAAAAZI BEND YAAAAAAAAA BY THE BEE YOU BABA! ...when yaaaaa....NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZI BEND YAAAAAAAAAAA WHY' BY A GAY'S EMO BOY ::chants:: Hey pinata penguin on the bottom. Hey pinata penguin on the bottom. Hey pinata penguin on the bottom. Hey pinata penguin on the bottom ::cue real lyrics::.
I was going to do the whole song but that's actually really hard with a sleeping roommate in the room and the fact that I'm bored and want to read Twilight. Regardless, hopefully you'll never hear the song the same way again :)
Brian: ....I think my lyrics are closer....but I took the liberty of looking up the actual lyrics...so here.
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama
Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place]
...kinda not what I was expecting, but whatever.
And here it be. Briatt rated number one Animated Disney song...ever. GO
1. "A Whole New World" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Brian: I LOVE ALADDIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (fourth and final time :D) While this song isn't my favorite song in Aladdin...it's definitely the best. Best Disney song ever actually (as rated...right here). This song is...magical. Just, completely blows things out of the water (except circle which was a VERY close 2nd). This song has nearly no flaws, it's just great...over...and...over....forever. done.
Franko: I love Aladdin. So much. Circle of Life is what set off this whole list, and we were pretty in love with it. When we were ranking our final list, this and Circle of Life were actually tied. I thought it was going to be a tough, long and drawn out decision-making process. But when it came to it, there was no contest. A Whole New World is not as grand in scope as Circle of Life, but for what it sets out to achieve, it's completely spot-on perfection. All humor aside here, I'm turning 20 in a month and a half and a student in college. I've been in love and known it's incredible power, and I've dealt with much of the negativity of life and its constant barrage to succumb to cynicism. In spite of such a harsh world, this song, a song about two people who JUST met each other flying on a CARPET from Egypt to CHINA in a little under two minutes, is the most realistic song in Disney's library. The entire song is a monument to the power of love. Opening your eyes to the world in a way that you've never been able to open them before. And each new moment brings some new remarkable beauty into your life that permanently changes you. It's so incredible. Back to the lighter side of awesome, my favorite thing about this song is that EVERY PERSON knows the lyrics. Start singing the song ANYWHERE and you will start a sing-a-long. Several years of band busses will provide sufficient evidence for that (P.S. On that note, GO SING-A-LONG TO PINOCCHIO DAMMIT I KNOW YOU SKIPPED IT!).
That's it. This is the definitive list of awesome Disney songs. Disregard any other list; this is the ultimate pinnacle of human achievement in disney/awesome collaboration. A review of mentioned movies:
Aladdin, The Lion King - 4 times
Beauty and the Beast - 3 times
Mulan, The Little Mermaid, The Jungle Book - 2 times each
Tarzan - 1 time (1 HM)
Pinocchio - 1 time
Pocahontas - 1 time
Snow White and the Seven Hobbits - (2 HM)
Cinderella, Oliver and Company, Toy Story - (1 HM)
Most of the movies tend to fall on the more recent side of Disney. Perhaps we're just biased towards our own generation, or maybe they are actually legitimately better. Either way, we're right and you're wrong, so adjust your opinions and perceptions accordingly.
For our next post, we're looking at several possibilities. The one that's captured our attention most has been "Most Awesome Moments in Star Wars". You'll find out soon.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Awesome Countdown: Top 20 Disney Songs - Part 1
Franko here. Welcome to the grand opening of our blog. I don't know what you might have been expecting, but Brian and I have, after years of friendship and collaborative awesomeness and lovernessity (ies) have decided to take our beauty into the next frontier: SYBERSPACE! Yes, syber. I would say cyber but I made a typo and I'm too lazy to change it (even though I just made a typo on "made" in the last statement and went back to fix that). I won't get into how it happened (that's a post for another time) but just know that we fully intend on making this blog a regular part of your lives - much like an addiction - and we will do everything in our powers to achieving that end. To give you a taste of what's in store over the next everlasting eternity of awesomeness (technically a unit of time according to my homeboy Stephen Hawkingsome), our first post is an AWESOME COUNTDOWN! Starting tonight we'll countdown our top 20 Disney songs (with a few honorable mentions sprinkled on top). Our basis of criteria was that it had to be a fully-animated disney movie (so no Mary Poppins). None of the direct-to-video sequels are counted either. So only theatrically-released animated Disney movies are counted. On top of that, the only basis for ranking was our personal preference, which is better than yours. Here we go!
~Honorable Mentions~
"Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" ~ Cinderella
YouTube
-Comments-
Brian: Simply because it's ridiculous beyond comprehension. I'm pretty sure everybody involved in making this song was high off their ass...prolly twice. But I love it all the same. Sadly, it doesn't make our list...came close though.
Franko: My initial gut reaction was to give this song the title of No. 1 Awesome Disney Song, but "Asshole Brian" forced my hand. By no means is this a "great" song, but it is awesome, and funny, and insane, and absurd, and awesome. Thus it deserves an honorable mention.
"Some Day My Prince Will Come" ~ Snow White and the 7 Dwarves
YouTube
-Comments-
Brian: ...meh. Whatever. It's a classic. Fuck that.
Franko: I would feel bad for not including this in some way. Classic song from a classic movie. It established the Disney formula for the next few decades. Moving on.
"You've Got a Friend In Me" ~ Toy Story
YouTube
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Brian: I've always been a fan of this song/Toy Story in general so I'm glad this got some recognition in our awesome list of awesomenessnessissity. (Franko edit: ".......ies.")
Franko: For me this is more for recognition for the greatness of Toy Story. The song is pretty good, but it plays into the movie so well. Plus Randy Newman's singing is awesome and provides a great basis for mockery (in spite of my admiration).
~The Rankings~
20. "The Bare Necessities" ~ The Jungle Book
-Comments-
Brian: That's a giant fucking bear singing to a small, anorexic child garbed only in a loincloth who was raised by fucking wolves (which is why he can speak animal btw). Anybody who doesn't like that is a heretic. It's the mere principal of the ridiculousness of Disney, and I love it...plus, it's a kick ass song. Also, this song is solely about doing nothing, being completely fuck lazy and not doing anything extra. Which is an absolutely perfect concept to be teaching small children :)
Franko: Seriously? We're going to spend years crafting this movie for young, impressionable children who will be watching and singing this for generations, and we're going to make one of our main centerpieces discuss how to live life by not doing a damn thing.......That's fucking awesome. Plus it's catchy, thus further reinforcing these backwards ideals into America's youth.
19. "Colors of the Wind" ~ Pocahontas
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Brian: Alright, I was never a fan of this movie. Ever. Still hate it. Fuck Pocahontas. But this song, holy crap. This song is amazing. In fact, if the entire movie had just been this song repeated, I would definitely like the movie more than I do now. I just love the lyrics, how they're presented is ok, the song sounds good, but the lyrics themselves are so much deeper and richer. It's marvelous.
Franko: I'm with Brian. The movie was ass. I'll give it credit when credit is due, though. The song was great, with awesome lyrics, and the animation in this particular sequence in the movie is some of the best animation I've seen from Disney.
18. "Kiss the Girl" ~ The Little Mermaid
-Comments-
Brian: !!!HATE ALERT!!! FUCK THE LITTLE MERMAID! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HOURS UPON HOURS OF TORTURE! It may be that I'm biased because my sister's favorite movie was none other than this piece of crap so I was exposed to it twice a day for years, but hey. fuck this movie....now the song. It's alright, it is deserving of it's spot fo sho. My favorite part is when the fish pop out of the seagulls' mouths to sing. Anyway...I prefer the TECHNO REMIX VERSION!!!
Franko: Fuck you Brian. I personally think this is a Disney staple; Brian originally gave it a ranking so low it wouldn't have been on the list if he had it his way. Douchewang. "Percussion....Strings.....Winds........Words....." The song just keeps building into this extravaganza of awesomeness, with fucking every creature in the pond (and some of the FUCKING PLANTS on top of that!) pitching in to convince this guy to kiss a mute for whom he just fucking learned her name. What's not to love? Good song, good lyrics, GREAT melodic content/orchestration, and fucking catchy as hell.
Brian: TECHNO REMIX VERSION!!!!!
Franko: The Game
17. "One Jump Ahead (Street Rat)" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Franko: I remember watching this movie as a young lad growing up in the heartland of America. At that point I liked to play along with whatever I was watching. In this particular scene I would run around the living room , pretending to be Aladdin, singing the entire time. As for the song, it's a good introduction for the character and the world he lives in. Plus it's just fucking funny: this small kid just wants a loaf of fucking bread, but he is constantly getting FUCKING HACKED AT WITH SABERS by the city guards. And for THREE MINUTES he keeps giving them the slip; at one point he fucking jumps off of a small tower, into the HANDS OF A MONKEY holding on to a bar, and they both trapeze themselves into a room filled with no less than three very attractive belly dancers. Awesome? Yes. Later, HE JUMPS ACROSS THE BACKS OF SHEEP! I don't know what you know about sheepback hopping, but being chased by saber-wielding guardsmen certainly reduces your concentration well below the level required for standard sheepback hopping activities. And to top it off he leaps out of a window with a makeshift parachute while the guards land in manure?! This guy is my hero. And then the reprise is so disheartening you can't help but relate to the guy. "I'm not a bad person. They need to look deeper. Would they see a poor boy? No..."
Brian: Best Disney movie ever. Right here. This song is ridiculous beyond compare. Everything about it spells PIMP. I mean, look at those fucking guards! They're like 300 lbs. each! He just straight up says "Bitch No! My Bread!" and not only takes off with the bread, he fucking dances around like a fucking ninja with a monkey sidekick and taunts each one of them! It's amazing. Plus the song itself is amazing, not only does it sound great but the lyrics kick complete and total ass. I mean, what's better than lyrics about a struggling peasant? "Gotta steal to eat, gotta eat to live, otherwise we'd get along." fucking genius. Also, you absolutely have to love a song where a fucking monkey pulls a God damn SABRE OUT OF A MAN'S THROAT! How did that guy get that in there anyway?! The Sabre is like three times the size of his throat!!! Love this song, love the scene, love the movie. End of Story.
16. "Hakuna Matata" ~ The Lion King
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Franko: In the same vein as "Bare Necessities", here we have a song aimed at children that you shouldn't worry about anything. Ever. This ranks higher simply because it's from a better movie, it's written better, it's sung better, the sequence in the movie is better, and it introduces an entirely new idiom into our language to use when you need to justify why you didn't write your midterm paper. What isn't awesome?
Brian: Who doesn't love this song? I have honestly not met anybody that doesn't know this song. Much less love it to the point of they'd prolly take a bullet for it. This song, rules. Basically, it says, "take all your problems, EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG IN YOU'RE LIFE!...then say 'Hakuna Mattata' AND THEN EVERYTHING GOES AWAY!"...like weed. or alcohol. Yes, this song promotes alcoholic drug addicts, and that's exactly what we're showing the kids! (no wonder our generation is so fucked up). And that's why it made this list....Also, by saying hakuna mattata...you age...fucking fast...like, in the course of a song....you finish growing....though you do have to find a never-ending log first to walk across while you age while alternately headbanging with a warthog while a meerkat leads the parade...but whatever.
Franko: Random addition - this song might have placed higher for me if it didn't bring up such TERRIBLE memories of the fuckin Lion King video game level in which you had to jump up the waterfall. "No worries" my testicles.
15. "I Wan'na Be Like You" ~ The Jungle Book
-Comments-
Franko: First of all, I can never watch this sequence the same way ever again after I read Cracked.com's list of the most racist Disney characters, and our boy King Louie here made the list. (No. 6) That in and of itself is justification for being an awesome song. On top of that, it may not be the deepest of songs, or most meaningful, but listening to it is just so much fucking FUN! My roommates like to randomly start blasting this and dancing around the apartment to it? Why? Because it's fucking fun as shit!
Brian: I agree, this may be the catchiest song Disney has ever made. It's definitely the catchiest song on this list, there are so many random ass sounds that take place during it...in fact, the majority of the song is just random ass noises you can make with your mouth. I can't help but laugh my ass off every time I hear it. And to make things better, King Louie does ridiculously amazing things like fucking jump roping over HIS OWN ARMS! FUCK!!! Besides, this is a classic example of how to trick somebody. "I'm gonna sing a really catchy song to you to get you off guard and then subtely ask you for something I don't have (fire) and then you'll be so caught up in the tune you'll just...tell me..." Also: How can you not love a song that has nothing but DANCING MONKEYS EVERYWHERE! in it. Seriously?!
14. "I'll Make a Man Out of You" ~ Mulan
-Comments-
Brian: I absolutely adore this song. It might be, just flat out, my favorite song to hear. The sequence is amazing as well. I just love everything about this. I mean, the guy just sits there and berates the whole group...just tears them apart....through...song. Fucking right. If you're going to insult your entire legion don't just yell...sing. Create a ballad to bludgeon your troops self-esteem into the ground....What I really want to know is...How the FUCK does he except that 500 lb. man to climb that fucking pole? I COULDN'T DO THAT AND I WEIGH 135!!!! SHIT, talk about setting someone up to fail. And then he sings about it, "hahahaha you failed, i have to make a man out of you!" I love it. My favorite line btw "As mysterious as the dark side of the moon." Holy crap.
Franko: This pick intrigues me to be honest. I like the song, but I'm not quite sure why. It doesn't start off very good IMO, but the song just keeps escalating from average to really really cool. Plus it's a cool sequence in the movie: a hardass military leader kicking his subordinates' asses through SONG! I want to see that policy implemented in the US military. We'd sure as shit be worse, but think of the dancing numbers! A few million people can put on some great song and dance pieces. The Iraqis would be forced to love us.
13. "Friend Like Me" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Brian: Alright, Robin Williams is my hero. Just straight up. Everything about this song is amazing. "You've never had a friend like me....BECAUSE I CAN DO MAGIC BITCH! ...No one else can do magic...." I just absolutely love this song. I love Aladdin. omg, I've said that twice. :)
Franko: I love Aladdin (three times now). This is one of those songs that doesn't really carry any sort of emotional impact. It's much like "Wan'na Be Like You". It's just so much fun. "WATCH WHAT I CAN DO BITCH! SEE! SEE THAT SHIT! NOW YOU CAN BOX! OH WHAT? NOW YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF BELLY DANCERS DANCING FOR YOU! NOW I RUN A FUCKING CASINO!!!!!!" I'd go as far to say that anybody who DOESN'T enjoy this song is heartless. Nay, one step above that: they have a negative heart. Bastards.
12. "I Just Can't Wait to be King" ~ The Lion King
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Franko: Everybody knows this song. I could whistle the first few bars to fucking Hellen Keller and she'd be able to sing along. I don't really have much to comment on. It builds off of our last choice in that it's just a really fun and light-hearted song, shown really well in the movie, and it's just all-around awesome. The reason it's ranked higher is because we say so, so shut up. "When I get older you don't have to tell me to do SHIT! I'll be fucking KING! Bitch."
Brian: What could be better than singing about monarchies? CHILDREN LIONS SINGING ABOUT MONARCHIES! To a fucking little blue bird no less. What's better is that the entire song is just a ploy to distract the bird so the lions can run off to a graveyard to get fucked up by hyenas. God forbid the lions just....go to the graveyard...it's not like they weigh 80 times as much as the bird or anything. Nope, instead they sing a happy song about how there are no responsibilities to being king. Well played little lion, well played.
11. "You'll Be in my Heart" ~ Tarzan
-Comments-
Franko: Pepper. Mmmmmmm.....
Brian: Pepper^2. I honestly don't have anything to say about this song...apparently neither did Matt...It's a solid song. Very good music, good lyrics, well sung....and it rounds out the first half of our list....fin
Thus concludes the first half of our Awesome Countdown!!!!! Next time we will finish our list and reveal our top 10!!!!! Check back sometime later that isn't now for the rest of the list!!! Maybe Wednesday night!!!! Or tomorrow night!! Exclamation point!!!! Feel free to leave comments on the post!!!!! What do you think is going! to be numbr 1!!!!? Or just pofess your love for Briatt!!!!!!!!!!! EXCLAMATION FUCKING POINT!!!! yayy pepper!!!!
~Honorable Mentions~
"Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" ~ Cinderella
YouTube
-Comments-
Brian: Simply because it's ridiculous beyond comprehension. I'm pretty sure everybody involved in making this song was high off their ass...prolly twice. But I love it all the same. Sadly, it doesn't make our list...came close though.
Franko: My initial gut reaction was to give this song the title of No. 1 Awesome Disney Song, but "Asshole Brian" forced my hand. By no means is this a "great" song, but it is awesome, and funny, and insane, and absurd, and awesome. Thus it deserves an honorable mention.
"Some Day My Prince Will Come" ~ Snow White and the 7 Dwarves
YouTube
-Comments-
Brian: ...meh. Whatever. It's a classic. Fuck that.
Franko: I would feel bad for not including this in some way. Classic song from a classic movie. It established the Disney formula for the next few decades. Moving on.
"You've Got a Friend In Me" ~ Toy Story
YouTube
-Comments-
Brian: I've always been a fan of this song/Toy Story in general so I'm glad this got some recognition in our awesome list of awesomenessnessissity. (Franko edit: ".......ies.")
Franko: For me this is more for recognition for the greatness of Toy Story. The song is pretty good, but it plays into the movie so well. Plus Randy Newman's singing is awesome and provides a great basis for mockery (in spite of my admiration).
~The Rankings~
20. "The Bare Necessities" ~ The Jungle Book
-Comments-
Brian: That's a giant fucking bear singing to a small, anorexic child garbed only in a loincloth who was raised by fucking wolves (which is why he can speak animal btw). Anybody who doesn't like that is a heretic. It's the mere principal of the ridiculousness of Disney, and I love it...plus, it's a kick ass song. Also, this song is solely about doing nothing, being completely fuck lazy and not doing anything extra. Which is an absolutely perfect concept to be teaching small children :)
Franko: Seriously? We're going to spend years crafting this movie for young, impressionable children who will be watching and singing this for generations, and we're going to make one of our main centerpieces discuss how to live life by not doing a damn thing.......That's fucking awesome. Plus it's catchy, thus further reinforcing these backwards ideals into America's youth.
19. "Colors of the Wind" ~ Pocahontas
-Comments-
Brian: Alright, I was never a fan of this movie. Ever. Still hate it. Fuck Pocahontas. But this song, holy crap. This song is amazing. In fact, if the entire movie had just been this song repeated, I would definitely like the movie more than I do now. I just love the lyrics, how they're presented is ok, the song sounds good, but the lyrics themselves are so much deeper and richer. It's marvelous.
Franko: I'm with Brian. The movie was ass. I'll give it credit when credit is due, though. The song was great, with awesome lyrics, and the animation in this particular sequence in the movie is some of the best animation I've seen from Disney.
18. "Kiss the Girl" ~ The Little Mermaid
-Comments-
Brian: !!!HATE ALERT!!! FUCK THE LITTLE MERMAID! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HOURS UPON HOURS OF TORTURE! It may be that I'm biased because my sister's favorite movie was none other than this piece of crap so I was exposed to it twice a day for years, but hey. fuck this movie....now the song. It's alright, it is deserving of it's spot fo sho. My favorite part is when the fish pop out of the seagulls' mouths to sing. Anyway...I prefer the TECHNO REMIX VERSION!!!
Franko: Fuck you Brian. I personally think this is a Disney staple; Brian originally gave it a ranking so low it wouldn't have been on the list if he had it his way. Douchewang. "Percussion....Strings.....Winds........Words....." The song just keeps building into this extravaganza of awesomeness, with fucking every creature in the pond (and some of the FUCKING PLANTS on top of that!) pitching in to convince this guy to kiss a mute for whom he just fucking learned her name. What's not to love? Good song, good lyrics, GREAT melodic content/orchestration, and fucking catchy as hell.
Brian: TECHNO REMIX VERSION!!!!!
Franko: The Game
17. "One Jump Ahead (Street Rat)" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Franko: I remember watching this movie as a young lad growing up in the heartland of America. At that point I liked to play along with whatever I was watching. In this particular scene I would run around the living room , pretending to be Aladdin, singing the entire time. As for the song, it's a good introduction for the character and the world he lives in. Plus it's just fucking funny: this small kid just wants a loaf of fucking bread, but he is constantly getting FUCKING HACKED AT WITH SABERS by the city guards. And for THREE MINUTES he keeps giving them the slip; at one point he fucking jumps off of a small tower, into the HANDS OF A MONKEY holding on to a bar, and they both trapeze themselves into a room filled with no less than three very attractive belly dancers. Awesome? Yes. Later, HE JUMPS ACROSS THE BACKS OF SHEEP! I don't know what you know about sheepback hopping, but being chased by saber-wielding guardsmen certainly reduces your concentration well below the level required for standard sheepback hopping activities. And to top it off he leaps out of a window with a makeshift parachute while the guards land in manure?! This guy is my hero. And then the reprise is so disheartening you can't help but relate to the guy. "I'm not a bad person. They need to look deeper. Would they see a poor boy? No..."
Brian: Best Disney movie ever. Right here. This song is ridiculous beyond compare. Everything about it spells PIMP. I mean, look at those fucking guards! They're like 300 lbs. each! He just straight up says "Bitch No! My Bread!" and not only takes off with the bread, he fucking dances around like a fucking ninja with a monkey sidekick and taunts each one of them! It's amazing. Plus the song itself is amazing, not only does it sound great but the lyrics kick complete and total ass. I mean, what's better than lyrics about a struggling peasant? "Gotta steal to eat, gotta eat to live, otherwise we'd get along." fucking genius. Also, you absolutely have to love a song where a fucking monkey pulls a God damn SABRE OUT OF A MAN'S THROAT! How did that guy get that in there anyway?! The Sabre is like three times the size of his throat!!! Love this song, love the scene, love the movie. End of Story.
16. "Hakuna Matata" ~ The Lion King
-Comments-
Franko: In the same vein as "Bare Necessities", here we have a song aimed at children that you shouldn't worry about anything. Ever. This ranks higher simply because it's from a better movie, it's written better, it's sung better, the sequence in the movie is better, and it introduces an entirely new idiom into our language to use when you need to justify why you didn't write your midterm paper. What isn't awesome?
Brian: Who doesn't love this song? I have honestly not met anybody that doesn't know this song. Much less love it to the point of they'd prolly take a bullet for it. This song, rules. Basically, it says, "take all your problems, EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG IN YOU'RE LIFE!...then say 'Hakuna Mattata' AND THEN EVERYTHING GOES AWAY!"...like weed. or alcohol. Yes, this song promotes alcoholic drug addicts, and that's exactly what we're showing the kids! (no wonder our generation is so fucked up). And that's why it made this list....Also, by saying hakuna mattata...you age...fucking fast...like, in the course of a song....you finish growing....though you do have to find a never-ending log first to walk across while you age while alternately headbanging with a warthog while a meerkat leads the parade...but whatever.
Franko: Random addition - this song might have placed higher for me if it didn't bring up such TERRIBLE memories of the fuckin Lion King video game level in which you had to jump up the waterfall. "No worries" my testicles.
15. "I Wan'na Be Like You" ~ The Jungle Book
-Comments-
Franko: First of all, I can never watch this sequence the same way ever again after I read Cracked.com's list of the most racist Disney characters, and our boy King Louie here made the list. (No. 6) That in and of itself is justification for being an awesome song. On top of that, it may not be the deepest of songs, or most meaningful, but listening to it is just so much fucking FUN! My roommates like to randomly start blasting this and dancing around the apartment to it? Why? Because it's fucking fun as shit!
Brian: I agree, this may be the catchiest song Disney has ever made. It's definitely the catchiest song on this list, there are so many random ass sounds that take place during it...in fact, the majority of the song is just random ass noises you can make with your mouth. I can't help but laugh my ass off every time I hear it. And to make things better, King Louie does ridiculously amazing things like fucking jump roping over HIS OWN ARMS! FUCK!!! Besides, this is a classic example of how to trick somebody. "I'm gonna sing a really catchy song to you to get you off guard and then subtely ask you for something I don't have (fire) and then you'll be so caught up in the tune you'll just...tell me..." Also: How can you not love a song that has nothing but DANCING MONKEYS EVERYWHERE! in it. Seriously?!
14. "I'll Make a Man Out of You" ~ Mulan
-Comments-
Brian: I absolutely adore this song. It might be, just flat out, my favorite song to hear. The sequence is amazing as well. I just love everything about this. I mean, the guy just sits there and berates the whole group...just tears them apart....through...song. Fucking right. If you're going to insult your entire legion don't just yell...sing. Create a ballad to bludgeon your troops self-esteem into the ground....What I really want to know is...How the FUCK does he except that 500 lb. man to climb that fucking pole? I COULDN'T DO THAT AND I WEIGH 135!!!! SHIT, talk about setting someone up to fail. And then he sings about it, "hahahaha you failed, i have to make a man out of you!" I love it. My favorite line btw "As mysterious as the dark side of the moon." Holy crap.
Franko: This pick intrigues me to be honest. I like the song, but I'm not quite sure why. It doesn't start off very good IMO, but the song just keeps escalating from average to really really cool. Plus it's a cool sequence in the movie: a hardass military leader kicking his subordinates' asses through SONG! I want to see that policy implemented in the US military. We'd sure as shit be worse, but think of the dancing numbers! A few million people can put on some great song and dance pieces. The Iraqis would be forced to love us.
13. "Friend Like Me" ~ Aladdin
-Comments-
Brian: Alright, Robin Williams is my hero. Just straight up. Everything about this song is amazing. "You've never had a friend like me....BECAUSE I CAN DO MAGIC BITCH! ...No one else can do magic...." I just absolutely love this song. I love Aladdin. omg, I've said that twice. :)
Franko: I love Aladdin (three times now). This is one of those songs that doesn't really carry any sort of emotional impact. It's much like "Wan'na Be Like You". It's just so much fun. "WATCH WHAT I CAN DO BITCH! SEE! SEE THAT SHIT! NOW YOU CAN BOX! OH WHAT? NOW YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF BELLY DANCERS DANCING FOR YOU! NOW I RUN A FUCKING CASINO!!!!!!" I'd go as far to say that anybody who DOESN'T enjoy this song is heartless. Nay, one step above that: they have a negative heart. Bastards.
12. "I Just Can't Wait to be King" ~ The Lion King
-Comments-
Franko: Everybody knows this song. I could whistle the first few bars to fucking Hellen Keller and she'd be able to sing along. I don't really have much to comment on. It builds off of our last choice in that it's just a really fun and light-hearted song, shown really well in the movie, and it's just all-around awesome. The reason it's ranked higher is because we say so, so shut up. "When I get older you don't have to tell me to do SHIT! I'll be fucking KING! Bitch."
Brian: What could be better than singing about monarchies? CHILDREN LIONS SINGING ABOUT MONARCHIES! To a fucking little blue bird no less. What's better is that the entire song is just a ploy to distract the bird so the lions can run off to a graveyard to get fucked up by hyenas. God forbid the lions just....go to the graveyard...it's not like they weigh 80 times as much as the bird or anything. Nope, instead they sing a happy song about how there are no responsibilities to being king. Well played little lion, well played.
11. "You'll Be in my Heart" ~ Tarzan
-Comments-
Franko: Pepper. Mmmmmmm.....
Brian: Pepper^2. I honestly don't have anything to say about this song...apparently neither did Matt...It's a solid song. Very good music, good lyrics, well sung....and it rounds out the first half of our list....fin
Thus concludes the first half of our Awesome Countdown!!!!! Next time we will finish our list and reveal our top 10!!!!! Check back sometime later that isn't now for the rest of the list!!! Maybe Wednesday night!!!! Or tomorrow night!! Exclamation point!!!! Feel free to leave comments on the post!!!!! What do you think is going! to be numbr 1!!!!? Or just pofess your love for Briatt!!!!!!!!!!! EXCLAMATION FUCKING POINT!!!! yayy pepper!!!!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I just lost the game
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Brian says: Matt's a faggoty Fox
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Brian says: Matt's a faggoty Fox
Matt Says: I like Brian
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