Awesome Countdown: Top 20 Disney Songs - Part 1

Franko here. Welcome to the grand opening of our blog. I don't know what you might have been expecting, but Brian and I have, after years of friendship and collaborative awesomeness and lovernessity (ies) have decided to take our beauty into the next frontier: SYBERSPACE! Yes, syber. I would say cyber but I made a typo and I'm too lazy to change it (even though I just made a typo on "made" in the last statement and went back to fix that). I won't get into how it happened (that's a post for another time) but just know that we fully intend on making this blog a regular part of your lives - much like an addiction - and we will do everything in our powers to achieving that end. To give you a taste of what's in store over the next everlasting eternity of awesomeness (technically a unit of time according to my homeboy Stephen Hawkingsome), our first post is an AWESOME COUNTDOWN! Starting tonight we'll countdown our top 20 Disney songs (with a few honorable mentions sprinkled on top). Our basis of criteria was that it had to be a fully-animated disney movie (so no Mary Poppins). None of the direct-to-video sequels are counted either. So only theatrically-released animated Disney movies are counted. On top of that, the only basis for ranking was our personal preference, which is better than yours. Here we go!

~Honorable Mentions~


"Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" ~ Cinderella
YouTube

-Comments-

Brian: Simply because it's ridiculous beyond comprehension. I'm pretty sure everybody involved in making this song was high off their ass...prolly twice. But I love it all the same. Sadly, it doesn't make our list...came close though.

Franko: My initial gut reaction was to give this song the title of No. 1 Awesome Disney Song, but "Asshole Brian" forced my hand. By no means is this a "great" song, but it is awesome, and funny, and insane, and absurd, and awesome. Thus it deserves an honorable mention.

"Some Day My Prince Will Come" ~ Snow White and the 7 Dwarves
YouTube

-Comments-

Brian: ...meh. Whatever. It's a classic. Fuck that.

Franko: I would feel bad for not including this in some way. Classic song from a classic movie. It established the Disney formula for the next few decades. Moving on.

"You've Got a Friend In Me" ~ Toy Story
YouTube

-Comments-

Brian: I've always been a fan of this song/Toy Story in general so I'm glad this got some recognition in our awesome list of awesomenessnessissity. (Franko edit: ".......ies.")

Franko: For me this is more for recognition for the greatness of Toy Story. The song is pretty good, but it plays into the movie so well. Plus Randy Newman's singing is awesome and provides a great basis for mockery (in spite of my admiration).






~The Rankings~

20. "The Bare Necessities" ~ The Jungle Book


-Comments-

Brian: That's a giant fucking bear singing to a small, anorexic child garbed only in a loincloth who was raised by fucking wolves (which is why he can speak animal btw). Anybody who doesn't like that is a heretic. It's the mere principal of the ridiculousness of Disney, and I love it...plus, it's a kick ass song. Also, this song is solely about doing nothing, being completely fuck lazy and not doing anything extra. Which is an absolutely perfect concept to be teaching small children :)

Franko: Seriously? We're going to spend years crafting this movie for young, impressionable children who will be watching and singing this for generations, and we're going to make one of our main centerpieces discuss how to live life by not doing a damn thing.......That's fucking awesome. Plus it's catchy, thus further reinforcing these backwards ideals into America's youth.



19. "Colors of the Wind" ~ Pocahontas


-Comments-

Brian: Alright, I was never a fan of this movie. Ever. Still hate it. Fuck Pocahontas. But this song, holy crap. This song is amazing. In fact, if the entire movie had just been this song repeated, I would definitely like the movie more than I do now. I just love the lyrics, how they're presented is ok, the song sounds good, but the lyrics themselves are so much deeper and richer. It's marvelous.

Franko: I'm with Brian. The movie was ass. I'll give it credit when credit is due, though. The song was great, with awesome lyrics, and the animation in this particular sequence in the movie is some of the best animation I've seen from Disney.



18. "Kiss the Girl" ~ The Little Mermaid


-Comments-

Brian: !!!HATE ALERT!!! FUCK THE LITTLE MERMAID! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! HOURS UPON HOURS OF TORTURE! It may be that I'm biased because my sister's favorite movie was none other than this piece of crap so I was exposed to it twice a day for years, but hey. fuck this movie....now the song. It's alright, it is deserving of it's spot fo sho. My favorite part is when the fish pop out of the seagulls' mouths to sing. Anyway...I prefer the TECHNO REMIX VERSION!!!

Franko: Fuck you Brian. I personally think this is a Disney staple; Brian originally gave it a ranking so low it wouldn't have been on the list if he had it his way. Douchewang. "Percussion....Strings.....Winds........Words....." The song just keeps building into this extravaganza of awesomeness, with fucking every creature in the pond (and some of the FUCKING PLANTS on top of that!) pitching in to convince this guy to kiss a mute for whom he just fucking learned her name. What's not to love? Good song, good lyrics, GREAT melodic content/orchestration, and fucking catchy as hell.

Brian: TECHNO REMIX VERSION!!!!!

Franko: The Game



17. "One Jump Ahead (Street Rat)" ~ Aladdin


-Comments-

Franko: I remember watching this movie as a young lad growing up in the heartland of America. At that point I liked to play along with whatever I was watching. In this particular scene I would run around the living room , pretending to be Aladdin, singing the entire time. As for the song, it's a good introduction for the character and the world he lives in. Plus it's just fucking funny: this small kid just wants a loaf of fucking bread, but he is constantly getting FUCKING HACKED AT WITH SABERS by the city guards. And for THREE MINUTES he keeps giving them the slip; at one point he fucking jumps off of a small tower, into the HANDS OF A MONKEY holding on to a bar, and they both trapeze themselves into a room filled with no less than three very attractive belly dancers. Awesome? Yes. Later, HE JUMPS ACROSS THE BACKS OF SHEEP! I don't know what you know about sheepback hopping, but being chased by saber-wielding guardsmen certainly reduces your concentration well below the level required for standard sheepback hopping activities. And to top it off he leaps out of a window with a makeshift parachute while the guards land in manure?! This guy is my hero. And then the reprise is so disheartening you can't help but relate to the guy. "I'm not a bad person. They need to look deeper. Would they see a poor boy? No..."

Brian: Best Disney movie ever. Right here. This song is ridiculous beyond compare. Everything about it spells PIMP. I mean, look at those fucking guards! They're like 300 lbs. each! He just straight up says "Bitch No! My Bread!" and not only takes off with the bread, he fucking dances around like a fucking ninja with a monkey sidekick and taunts each one of them! It's amazing. Plus the song itself is amazing, not only does it sound great but the lyrics kick complete and total ass. I mean, what's better than lyrics about a struggling peasant? "Gotta steal to eat, gotta eat to live, otherwise we'd get along." fucking genius. Also, you absolutely have to love a song where a fucking monkey pulls a God damn SABRE OUT OF A MAN'S THROAT! How did that guy get that in there anyway?! The Sabre is like three times the size of his throat!!! Love this song, love the scene, love the movie. End of Story.



16. "Hakuna Matata" ~ The Lion King


-Comments-

Franko: In the same vein as "Bare Necessities", here we have a song aimed at children that you shouldn't worry about anything. Ever. This ranks higher simply because it's from a better movie, it's written better, it's sung better, the sequence in the movie is better, and it introduces an entirely new idiom into our language to use when you need to justify why you didn't write your midterm paper. What isn't awesome?

Brian: Who doesn't love this song? I have honestly not met anybody that doesn't know this song. Much less love it to the point of they'd prolly take a bullet for it. This song, rules. Basically, it says, "take all your problems, EVERYTHING THAT'S WRONG IN YOU'RE LIFE!...then say 'Hakuna Mattata' AND THEN EVERYTHING GOES AWAY!"...like weed. or alcohol. Yes, this song promotes alcoholic drug addicts, and that's exactly what we're showing the kids! (no wonder our generation is so fucked up). And that's why it made this list....Also, by saying hakuna mattata...you age...fucking fast...like, in the course of a song....you finish growing....though you do have to find a never-ending log first to walk across while you age while alternately headbanging with a warthog while a meerkat leads the parade...but whatever.

Franko: Random addition - this song might have placed higher for me if it didn't bring up such TERRIBLE memories of the fuckin Lion King video game level in which you had to jump up the waterfall. "No worries" my testicles.



15. "I Wan'na Be Like You" ~ The Jungle Book


-Comments-

Franko: First of all, I can never watch this sequence the same way ever again after I read Cracked.com's list of the most racist Disney characters, and our boy King Louie here made the list. (No. 6) That in and of itself is justification for being an awesome song. On top of that, it may not be the deepest of songs, or most meaningful, but listening to it is just so much fucking FUN! My roommates like to randomly start blasting this and dancing around the apartment to it? Why? Because it's fucking fun as shit!

Brian: I agree, this may be the catchiest song Disney has ever made. It's definitely the catchiest song on this list, there are so many random ass sounds that take place during it...in fact, the majority of the song is just random ass noises you can make with your mouth. I can't help but laugh my ass off every time I hear it. And to make things better, King Louie does ridiculously amazing things like fucking jump roping over HIS OWN ARMS! FUCK!!! Besides, this is a classic example of how to trick somebody. "I'm gonna sing a really catchy song to you to get you off guard and then subtely ask you for something I don't have (fire) and then you'll be so caught up in the tune you'll just...tell me..." Also: How can you not love a song that has nothing but DANCING MONKEYS EVERYWHERE! in it. Seriously?!



14. "I'll Make a Man Out of You" ~ Mulan


-Comments-

Brian: I absolutely adore this song. It might be, just flat out, my favorite song to hear. The sequence is amazing as well. I just love everything about this. I mean, the guy just sits there and berates the whole group...just tears them apart....through...song. Fucking right. If you're going to insult your entire legion don't just yell...sing. Create a ballad to bludgeon your troops self-esteem into the ground....What I really want to know is...How the FUCK does he except that 500 lb. man to climb that fucking pole? I COULDN'T DO THAT AND I WEIGH 135!!!! SHIT, talk about setting someone up to fail. And then he sings about it, "hahahaha you failed, i have to make a man out of you!" I love it. My favorite line btw "As mysterious as the dark side of the moon." Holy crap.

Franko: This pick intrigues me to be honest. I like the song, but I'm not quite sure why. It doesn't start off very good IMO, but the song just keeps escalating from average to really really cool. Plus it's a cool sequence in the movie: a hardass military leader kicking his subordinates' asses through SONG! I want to see that policy implemented in the US military. We'd sure as shit be worse, but think of the dancing numbers! A few million people can put on some great song and dance pieces. The Iraqis would be forced to love us.



13. "Friend Like Me" ~ Aladdin


-Comments-

Brian: Alright, Robin Williams is my hero. Just straight up. Everything about this song is amazing. "You've never had a friend like me....BECAUSE I CAN DO MAGIC BITCH! ...No one else can do magic...." I just absolutely love this song. I love Aladdin. omg, I've said that twice. :)

Franko: I love Aladdin (three times now). This is one of those songs that doesn't really carry any sort of emotional impact. It's much like "Wan'na Be Like You". It's just so much fun. "WATCH WHAT I CAN DO BITCH! SEE! SEE THAT SHIT! NOW YOU CAN BOX! OH WHAT? NOW YOU HAVE A BUNCH OF BELLY DANCERS DANCING FOR YOU! NOW I RUN A FUCKING CASINO!!!!!!" I'd go as far to say that anybody who DOESN'T enjoy this song is heartless. Nay, one step above that: they have a negative heart. Bastards.



12. "I Just Can't Wait to be King" ~ The Lion King


-Comments-

Franko: Everybody knows this song. I could whistle the first few bars to fucking Hellen Keller and she'd be able to sing along. I don't really have much to comment on. It builds off of our last choice in that it's just a really fun and light-hearted song, shown really well in the movie, and it's just all-around awesome. The reason it's ranked higher is because we say so, so shut up. "When I get older you don't have to tell me to do SHIT! I'll be fucking KING! Bitch."

Brian: What could be better than singing about monarchies? CHILDREN LIONS SINGING ABOUT MONARCHIES! To a fucking little blue bird no less. What's better is that the entire song is just a ploy to distract the bird so the lions can run off to a graveyard to get fucked up by hyenas. God forbid the lions just....go to the graveyard...it's not like they weigh 80 times as much as the bird or anything. Nope, instead they sing a happy song about how there are no responsibilities to being king. Well played little lion, well played.



11. "You'll Be in my Heart" ~ Tarzan


-Comments-

Franko: Pepper. Mmmmmmm.....

Brian: Pepper^2. I honestly don't have anything to say about this song...apparently neither did Matt...It's a solid song. Very good music, good lyrics, well sung....and it rounds out the first half of our list....fin

Thus concludes the first half of our Awesome Countdown!!!!! Next time we will finish our list and reveal our top 10!!!!! Check back sometime later that isn't now for the rest of the list!!! Maybe Wednesday night!!!! Or tomorrow night!! Exclamation point!!!! Feel free to leave comments on the post!!!!! What do you think is going! to be numbr 1!!!!? Or just pofess your love for Briatt!!!!!!!!!!! EXCLAMATION FUCKING POINT!!!! yayy pepper!!!!